Love

 Succulents

My lovely ladies. 

Walking

I started walking this week.  Not "getting my fitness on" or anything of that nature. Not to lose weight {even though Lord knows that is necessary}, but for sanity purposes.  It seems to clear my mind,  I can think differently than I would from my living room couch with the blinds closed. That's another reason,  I started walking...I started walking to fight. To fight the possibility of giving up, because you can't possibly give up in the sunshine as you could in a dark room. I started walking because I know that sure the sunlight hurts, physically and emotionally now,  but it won't always.  So for the hope of climbing my way back to the living...I've been walking. 

Fern

If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, "in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.” 

― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

*****Note: I wrote this during a very emotional episode.  I am sorry about the anger. I woke up the next day and felt so ashamed of my anger. I decided to repost for my own healing purposes*****

I don't even know where to start. I have found myself once again down a dreaded road I never thought I would go down. After all, I have four beautiful children. I've gotten pregnant without trouble..... Probably too easily. As we've had more children we've gotten the most awesome comments from friends and strangers, "Wow!", "do you have a television??" or my favorite "Are you Amish now??" The way people reacted to our growing family always bothered me. It annoyed me. It made me ashamed. I guess I care about the opinions of others. Silly insecure me. So when we discovered we were pregnant with our fifth, my initial reaction was fear. Not fear of what having five kids would be like, but fear of what PEOPLE would say. Gosh I hate that. I hate myself for feeling that way. I want to go back and be ecstatic and thankful. I assumed it would be another routine pregnancy. I never for a second thought I would have a miscarriage. I never thought I would go for a routine ultrasound and see an empty gestational sac and have to endure a week of blood tests and another ultrasound confirming the worst...ending in leaving a hospital not with a beautiful baby but with an empty womb and a broken heart. Never would I think I would be down this road again, nine months later only further along. I mean I had a photo, it says "baby" on it. I saw that little heart beating. I was told there was less than 5% chance of it stopping. It stopped. My baby died. I was a part of that 5%. 95% of women still had that heartbeat beating inside of them. This time I didn't care about what asinine things haters would or might say, I was excited. I was blessed. I realized how freaking blessed I was, fully realized how amazing my kids are, and how I was never entitled to have them without trouble and how that was a gift I didn't deserve but was given. I thought that was my lesson to learn. Don't know what purpose there is in all of this (and not open to suggestions either or for the revelation that this is God's will) I just know my heart is broken. I just know I'm mad it happened again. I'm mad at the crap people say, and how insensitive people can be. I'm mad at social media for making me feel like crap and for the freaking fabulous week everyone else is having. I'm livid that I will not be delivering my baby on October 25th. I'm mad that my prayers weren't answered and if any one refers to my baby as "tissue" again I will kick them in the balls, even if its a woman and she doesn't have balls. I am not sorry for being angry and if I've learned anything....I do not care what anyone thinks about that.

wedding dress.

I love this picture. I came across it recently while going through our photos. I had forgotten about it. It was a day this past summer when I let Hazel wear my wedding dress. I think it kind of made her day, maybe even her week. 

Skirt.

I purchased this fabric, Oh, probably about two years ago. I intended to do something with it, but didn't. So this year, for Saint Patrick's day (I figured there was a little bit of green on the fabric), I decided to sew some simple little skirts for the girls. The girls were excited; getting involved in the measuring and design of the skirts was a new/fun thing for them! Hazel asked for a pocket, Jade wanted it plain. The had fun twirling in the backyard and being girls...in their new skirts!

Love,

Mon

Butter...

A new thing that our family is beginning to do, is make our own butter. We buy our milk and eggs at a local farm and after a conversation with the farmer...I ordered some cream from him...and tried my hand at making butter! It came out wonderfully! I have since ordered more cream and have made 1lb of butter (which I measured into 1/2 cup molds and are in the freezer) and plan to make more, soon!! It really is so easy! 

We had our first taste of our butter at breakfast with toast from freshly made bread, and everyone was pleased!! So hooray for butter!!!

Love,

Mon

Pitas.

I haven't posted anything in a terribly long time. Life has been interesting lately. It has been sad at times, crazy at times, good news, bad news....but there has been food. So that is good!

We usually set up our meals ahead of time (on a good week, on a bad week...we wing it) and it always end up to be quite multicultural. We can have Mexican one night, Thai another, or even GREEK (my favorite). So one night we did just that...we had GREEK!! So I'd thought I'd share an amazing recipe for pitas, one that I used that night. I've tried pitas in the past, and while they were good...they weren't fantastic. I think the last pita recipe I used was wheat based, and since I live with a Chef who isn't exactly wheat friendly...I used good old unbleached, unbromated, white wheat. We at them with a lemon roasted chicken, potatoes, hummus, and a Greek salad. A Greek Feast, as we call it! Here is the recipe (I love everything that comes out of this website!!!)....

(This is lunch, the day after the Greek Feast. The girls and I had turkey & cheese pitas. Made in like 30 seconds, and quite yummy)

If you are having a Greek Feast in your near future, I suggest it!!!

Love,

Mon

Jade Anise

I mean...really...could you be any CUTER girl?
Love,
Mommy <3

Jade. Self portrait. Pretty.

<3

Hazel Rei is heading out to her first girl scout meeting as a daisy!!

Yay!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Phone

I learned to look at the sky and pray...

<3

Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE Phone

My skirt.

I made a skirt.  Awhile ago. But I was too shy to wear it. I don't know why. I feel self conscious when I wear things I make. I fear they will fall apart and I will be left naked blushing. Well, I decided to wear this skirt on Thanksgiving this year with my boots and decided to just go with it, and to be ME (all simple and homemade...who cares)!! I really loved this fabric when I saw it because it reminded me of a Van Gogh painting. It is a simple skirt with an elastic waist! 

Love,

Mon <3

Maxfield Wants..

Well maybe mommy does...but I'm sure he would like them too!!!

I want...

From sailonbaby on Etsy. So cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,

Mon

Leggings

I have been wanting to try to sew leggings for the girls, and finally did! I found this tutorial and gave it a shot. They are unbelievably easy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If my sewing machine wasn't acting up it wouldn't have taken more than twenty minutes or so!  Hazel has demanded more, so I should be very busy in the near future :)

Happy to be sewing again, let's just hope and pray my sewing machine begins to behave herself!!

Love,

Mon

Baked Oatmeal

There are those mornings when you need a "big warm hug", in the form of a comforting breakfast and for me, today was such a day. I have tried baked oatmeal before and didn't have much success, but was excited to find a simple recipe that was quite lovely. Everyone was fed & happy! The oatmeal was quite delicious!!!

I snapped a pic of my breakfasts. My baked oatmeal with cherries, homemade bread with butter & honey, and coffee. The girls giggled to one another and said "She's taking pictures of her breakfast" (accompanied with a "hee hee hee")  They think I am insane :)

Love,

Mon

Things I'm in love with...

We are reading this book as part of our literature lessons and we love the stories so very much  (I probably love them the most, the old English, the witty stories, the lessons you learn...oh I do heart them)

and we love this one as well...

Having a delightful time over here ;)

Apple Pie

We recently picked a WHOLE LOT OF APPLES!!! I made a pie with some of them that came out really delicious. I usually like to use this recipe that has almond flour in it, suggested by a dear sister (who is a fabulous cook/baker), but I was out of almond flour. I instead found this recipe, and used organic butter and organic vegetable shortening...while it came out nicely I think I will stick with all butter in the future. To be honest, I did eat the majority of the pie, as I have discovered my girls are not really pie people and my husband is never home. Mind you, I always ate one slice at a time (in a single day), I promise. Who says you can't drown your sorrows in pie?!?! Who says? Just Kidding, but really....I do love pie.

Lots, and Lots of love,

Mon

Learning

I bought the cutest kid knitting needles for Hazel. Not sure if she has the coordination to fully knit quite yet but we are working on it together. I cast on for her, of course, but she seems to be catching on. With her personality, she wants to finish it right away so explaining to her that knitting takes time has been interesting.   We are working on a Barbie blanket!! A friend at work said that she would knit Barbie blankets for her girls, and I thought with it being Fall and all, they might appreciate some warmth. :) I figure a few minutes now and then won't burn her out, and I'm mostly holding the needles and having her loop them through. It is kind of stressful on my part, not gonna lie, but it is teaching me patience!!!

Lots of love,

Mon
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry